By My Side
by sogoodatmending
Summary: After a blind date goes terribly wrong, can Adam realize that maybe there is someone out there who will accept him and take him for who he is? Oneshot.


**Cladam oneshot! Takes place during "Smash Into You" part 2. I may or may not changed some words around, though. ;) Enjoy!**

An urgency filled my motions as I quickly and forcefully pounded my fist against the front door of Clare's house. In my mind, this was an emergency. Clare had originally told me to come home straight after the date had finished but I don't think she expected me to come over so soon so I had made sure to text her. I never checked for a reply, just told her to be ready for me to appear in ten minutes, the time it took me to walk back to her house from The Dot. And after the third knock, the door opened carefully, a worried expression written across her face.

"They set me up with their friend. Gay guy friend Tristan." Clare's eyes widened at my words and turned back into her house, heading into the kitchen. I followed her, entering and shutting the door on my way in. She stood behind the counter, pouring hot tea from a pot on the stove into a greenish teapot.

"So I'm guessing that this date was a disaster?" She questioned. Like that really needed to be answered. But she implied it more as a question to get me started on talking about what had actually happened. She wanted to understand and I thanked God in that moment that I had a friend like her. But even so, I was still distressed over the entire situation.

With a huff, I stormed into Clare's living room and with a spin and a groan, let myself fall back onto her couch. "Disaster doesn't even _begin_ to describe it." Clare came back into the living room and bent over, pouring tea into the mug that was on the coffee table in front of me. She must have gotten all of it ready right as I told her I was coming over.

"How did they think you were gay?" She questioned, the same thought that had crossed through my mind just twenty minutes prior to this moment.

"I dunno. She saw my rainbow pin and assumed. Broken LGBT telephone. Always a fun game." Clare finished with the tea and then walked over to the island in between the kitchen and living room, standing at the counter and pouring herself a cup. I sat up, grabbing my mug and followed her.

"Maybe they were confused," she tried to sympathize. But that didn't seem to make me feel even the slightest bit better.

"That's what I do. I confuse people." I saw that she had out sugar and cream on the counter as well as a plate of cookies. I wondered if they were just there or if she had bought them in advance, just in case it didn't go well and wanted to cheer me up. She always planned in efforts of trying to make me feel better. I took a seat and watched her finish pouring her tea.

"Adam-"

"Should've just ignored the stupid note in the first place. And grade nines? What was I thinking?"

"They thought you were a gay _guy_."

I rolled my eyes, pouring cream into my tea. I already knew that. It's what I had told her. Why was she repeating this to me? I understood the message. It was clear. They thought I was gay- they assumed it from my pin. The whole thing was really irritating me and Clare was just making it worse. "Remind me one more time in case I forgot."

"No, listen, " she persisted. I put down the class of cream and looked over at her. "They thought you were a gay _guy_." I looked down for a moment, again wondering what her repetition had to do to clear anything up. But then it clicked… "Emphasis on _guy_." Slowly I felt some part of my relax as I began to smile. She was…she was right. I then saw the biggest grin come over her face as she laughed a bit, my ears picking up on the joyful sound. "Adam, you're passing!"

My smile matched hers as I poured some sugar in my glass as well, trying not to sound too excited over the fact. What had happened was still pretty embarrassing, but what Clare had said…made me feel so much better. And why I hadn't realized that in the first place I wasn't sure. But she had a point. "I guess that's pretty cool," I told her.

"So no reason to be embarrassed," she told me. And I looked over at her. She was staring at me with this goofy grin on her face.

"Not for me but what about for that poor fourteen-year-old gay kid?"

"_Tristan_?" She corrected.

"Tristan. He must want to…crawl into a hole and never come out."

Clare looked at her tea for a moment and shrugged. "Well…we've all been there." I nodded. Just like in these past few minutes I was totally beside myself over the entire situation. And I hadn't even stopped to think about how he was feeling. I really got the better end of the deal. They thought I was gay because of a pin I was wearing. But they hadn't done the research and forced this kid to come along on this date. And then being rejected like that…must have been the _worst_.

It made me think back to when I first transferred to Degrassi. Before anyone knew I was trans. The moment that Bianca found out and ripped open my shirt was the single most horrifying moment in my entire life. And then later that year when I thought that Fitz and I were going to be friends and set me up to fight Bianca. Just the fact that someone is setting you up with the completely wrong person is devastating. At least for Tristan, Tori had no idea. I had to let him know that it was alright. Just like Clare had done for me. "Yeah, I should go talk to him." I took a sip of my tea and caught a glimpse of Clare's smile from the corner of my eye. She was really something else.

Clare reached over, grabbing a cookie and began to eat. I watched her as she did, the way her jaw moved when she ate. And feeling a bit awkward, I turned away, knowing there was a slight blush creeping up on my cheeks. Ever since I had brought up the date she'd been acting so…girly. I mean, yeah, she was always girly but even more so. Just in her actions and movements. Like when we first found the letter, the way she got all up beside me to take a look at it. And the way she looked at me. Had it been just me or was she staring a little more intently when I read her my assignment than usual?

"Try to get through to him. You know. Get him to feel like he's not alone in this. And that misunderstandings will happen." I nodded. I reached over for a cookie taking a bite, and thinking about how I would start the conversation with him. I knew that he probably wouldn't want to see me. Not after everything that had happened. But I at least had to try. Just then she scooted a bit closer with her chair, my heart skipping for a brief moment. She pushed her shoulder against mine playfully and smiled once again. "I'm really proud of you, Adam, you know that?"

I furrowed my brow and glanced at her. "For what?" I took another bite of my cookie as I waited for her explanation.

"You know. Just…everything you've been through. You've come a long way since the beginning of last year and it's really cool seeing you grow in your journey through all of this." I looked back over to see her looking at me with those eyes. Just like the look she was giving me while I read her my story about getting shot. They were gentle and accepting. Also kind and loving, bright blue eyes. She was so difficult to look away from.

"It's been rough," I admitted, telling her something she had already known. "But I can tell you that with your and Eli's help it's been a lot easier. Without you guys I probably would have transferred schools again."

Clare pressed her lips together and took a sip of her tea. She looked over again and smiled, her lips pink from the warmth of her drink. "Well I'm glad you stayed," she said, her voice full of sincerity. "Because I don't know what I'll ever have done this year and last without you. You really are incredible."

I blushed at her words, looking down and chuckling a bit. I heard her laugh again and shook my head. In that moment I could feel something changing between us. It's like from this situation we were becoming instantly…closer. She understood me and she accepted me for who I was. Always had. And I knew that she always would. She leaned over again, leaning her head on my shoulder. I tried to take the action in the friendliest way possible but I couldn't help but feel like there might be something else behind the gesture. Yet even though the moment seemed to change how I thought she saw me, completely platonically, there was still that speck of doubt. Because she was Clare Edwards. Being my friend and pushing past my trans obstacle was one thing…but anything else would be impossible. Wouldn't it? I looked down at the head of curls on my shoulder and smiled, noticing that her eyes had closed and she was drawing circles on the side of her mug with her thumb. Something…something was there. It had to be.

A bit nervous and not knowing what to expect, I walked into The Dot. And just as Tori had said, her and Tristan were sitting at a table with their coffees. He was wearing his shades looking a bit dejected. I wasn't sure if the sunglasses were really helping his demeanor but I guess it was kind of like a shield. I guessed Tori could read his eyes pretty well and just didn't want her to know exactly what he was thinking. I knew the feeling. Clare could do the same to me.

But as I walked in, Tristan noticed and just let out a heavy sigh. He probably thought I was there to reject him again for me not being gay. "Not again," he muttered, beginning to leave. But I wasn't going to let him before talking with him. I needed to let him know that I knew somewhat how he felt. That and I promised Clare that I'd try to make him feel a bit better after that disaster of an afternoon.

"Wait up," the sound of my voice more urgent than I intended. Tristan's shoulders slouched and he followed me to take a seat at the counter. I could tell he was beyond the point of uncomfortable and I couldn't blame him. This wasn't the easiest thing for me either. And the fact that he was just outed to a stranger by his mistaken friends just made the situation worse.

"Um…I'll let you two talk," I heard Tori say as she walked by us. Finally she was letting someone else do the speaking. She seemed like the type of girl who made decisions for people and didn't really care what they thought. With best intentions for her friends at heart, I'm sure. She just had to learn the line between friendly and just plain pushy.

I took a deep breath, looking right at Tristan, not in his eyes because I couldn't see them, but to where maybe I thought he was looking back. "I know this is weird but…I've been in your shoes before."

Almost with a scoff and I think a roll of his eyes he responded immediately. "Yeah. Right." I was a bit taken aback by this. Tristan was…a bit cocky I could already tell. Letting himself wallow in self pity. I could read that from him and I barely knew him for more than ten minutes. But I knew I had to try to get through to him in this situation. Make him see that he wasn't alone. He wasn't the only LGBT teen out there with a problem.

"I'm serious. Maybe worse even." I tried to make it sound like he was going to be okay. But even with me saying what I did, he didn't buy it. It was like, the worst of the worst in his mind. No one could be in a worse situation. I tried to push the irritation aside and get to the point. Let him know that he wasn't alone. But it just seemed that he really didn't want to hear it.

"Not sure that's possible."

I tried a different approach. He thought he's seen the worst of it all? I was going to show him that just basic bullying and rejection wasn't going to make me feel completely bad for him. I then thanked God that I was nothing like Clare. She'd probably hug him and sooth him in a heartbeat. But I wasn't going to let his pity get the best of him like it had to me. "The first girl I tried to date at Degrassi ripped my shirt open in the hallway. Then had her friends throw me into a door."

Almost too nonchalantly, Tristan replied, "My brother got suspended for throwing someone into a door."

Something began to click in my mind right then. "Owen…or Fitz?" Both of them at the top of my enemy list. If his brother was Owen, he was a complete homophobe and utterly disrespectful to the LGBT community. Having someone like him as a brother would drive me completely insane in that situation. Especially if he acted like he hated gay people or people who were genderly or sexually different than what he thought was supposed to be "okay". I knew what family rejection was like on some levels. It had taken my mom years to finally see me as Adam and not Gracie. So to live with a violent homophobic brother? That would have to be hard. That went for Fitz as well. Even if he was a "Christian" now. Growing up with someone who hated who you are would suck.

Tristan looked up, automatically looking a little more sympathetic. Which wasn't really what I was going for but hey, it was an emotion delivered to someone other than himself. I considered that progress. "Owen. That was you." He paused for a moment, taking off his sunglasses and looking at me. I felt like in that moment a wall immediately came down. I could see his eyes. Gain some sort of acknowledgeable response that I was more than someone here to talk about what he didn't want to hear. One step closer. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," I told him. And I had the feeling that he often felt like he had to apologize on behalf of his brother. Which wasn't his job but it showed in about two seconds how their personalities differed. Other than…well the obvious sexuality drive. "The second girl loved to make out with me only drinking a bottle of champagne."

He took another breath, looking down for a minute before bringing his eye contact back to mine. I think he was beginning to understand that the roads we went down were both similar and rough. Not something that only happened to him. Though I wasn't sure if he'd ever suffered physical abuse, I could tell the emotional toll from everything had hit him hard. And usually, that was ten times worse. "Sounds terrible. I…didn't even want to go on a date. Tori forced me. She said she wanted me to be happy…or whatever."

I smiled at the comment, taking it in myself. "Well dating in high school isn't always the best route to happiness." And from my past experiences, he knew that I could say that with complete confidence. I was also trying to teach him something that I had learned. You don't need a relationship to make you happy. Sometimes all it took was supportive friends. Something I could tell he had with Tori and that Zig guy.

"Why would you ever want to date again? After all those disasters?"

I laughed a bit, shaking my head. If only he knew what Clare and I had discussed when I first found the notes and right before the date itself. And if only he'd known how easily I had been effected by her just moments before. To be honest, I didn't want to date. Go out and meet someone like how it'd all happened. And I knew I'd never do that again. But then I kept thinking about _her_. And how she made me want to take risks. Take chances. The way she believed in me and accepted me would forever change everything. "I didn't. But you've gotta stay open to stuff. I've been learning that. And I'm finding…the ones you're closest to can surprise you." I stood up, Tristan smiling and looking heaps happier than he did when I first arrived. I had somehow gotten through to him, which was my goal. And hopefully now we could put this moment behind us and he wouldn't have to feel completely horrible. Besides, this wasn't his fault by a long shot. He was just thrown into it.

"What's her name?" he asked. And I froze, turning to look at him again. "That girl you were talking about."

My heart sped up a bit at the implications he had gained from my vague sentences. But immediately I smiled and with confidence looked to him and said, "It's Clare Edwards. She's the greatest girl ever." I saw his smile light up again and without any hesitation, I turned around a walked out of The Dot, the cool breeze hitting my face. _Clare Edwards_. She truly was one remarkable girl.

I shoved my hands in my coat pocket, finding myself heading in the direction of her house. There was just something about her that made me want to go back to her in that moment. Something that Tristan made me realize that had been going on for a while. I mean, I knew that I was always…attracted to Clare. She was drop dead gorgeous. But she always belonged to someone else. And then I was…well I was me. I was transgender. And I knew that that never mattered in our friendship, but when it comes to relationships, that's where things could get a bit messy.

But I knew I liked her. A _lot_. And I hadn't ever seriously thought about her in that way before. It was more just a feeling I tried to push away. Yet after that talk with Tristan, knowing that I didn't need to date to be happy, but still keeping possibilities open. She had really surprised me the last week or so with the whole secret admirer situation. Been one hundred percent supportive and willing to help me. And even though I was grateful for that, I was still a bit frustrated that she'd help me get ready for a date with someone else. That meant that she didn't like me, right? Supporting me dating other people? But at the same time, it's the approach that some people take when they like someone but know they can't be with them. Like how I was with her and Eli. Supporting their decision and helping push them in the right direction. But she couldn't possibly have been doing the same.

Then why did she look at me they way she always did? Smile in that way? Come up right next to me? Try to get closer? Lean her body against mine like she had? She'd always been really friendly but lately it was more…more than friendly. I felt like she was sending mixed signals yet at the same time I just thought I was overanalyzing her actions. They were probably completely unintentional. She was Clare, she didn't know how her actions could affect people sometimes. Eli had told me over and over about some of the things she'd do just out of habit that would drive him absolutely insane, in the best way possible, but she didn't even realize. Because she's Clare and that's how she is. I had to get some clarity. And I prepared myself in my mind to get the information in my mind without actually spilling my thoughts. And as I approached her door again, my confidence that I once had began to drop. This was a bad idea. But before I could turn away, the door opened once again. But instead of a worried look like the last time, Clare's lips just turned up into the biggest smile and she stood aside to let me in.

She sat down next to me on her couch ever-so-casually and leaned back, crossing her legs and turning her head towards my direction. I leaned back as well, the realization of our proximities making me immediately nervous. Yet she seemed to think nothing of it. No sense of hesitation or nervousness at all. Maybe I was horribly wrong. And this was a very bad idea. Why did I keep putting myself in these situations?

"I'm hoping to get a much less disastrous report?" she asked sweetly. I just nodded, playing with the zipper on my coat.

"Yep. Talked things through. I explained to him that things like this are going to happen but he's got a good support system. He has his friends who accept him and have his back. And even though the mess up like they did today, they're at least trying to make him happy. And I also told him that dating in high school especially under circumstances like ours, don't always lead to happiness. Sometimes it just takes good friends."

Clare squeezed my arm and smiled again. "See? Everything's just fine. I told you there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes it's just good to hear that someone else knows what you're going through and that they can help out. I'm glad you talked with him. It probably helped him a lot." I smiled back, nodding once again and continued to fidget. "And…you're right. Sometimes dating in high school isn't the way to be happy."

Hearing her words made my heart drop a bit. Yeah, I had said that but I wasn't saying them in intention that Clare would agree with that for herself. I mean, the tone in her voice sounded so thoughtful, like she was preaching to herself a bit. And if anything, her _not_ dating was a thought I didn't want her to think. Unless if it was with someone who wasn't me.

I tried to shake the thoughts. Was I really telling myself that? Was I getting…jealous? Since when was I ever jealous of Clare? I sighed a bit. Since always. She picked up on my sudden change of mood and turned her body more to face me, leaning up against the back of the couch with her elbow. "Yet even though this is worked out…you seem sad?"

"It's just…I mean I get that I don't need to date to be happy. I understand that. Just…_still_. It'd be nice, you know? To have someone like that. And I know that I said that I don't want to date now. And not until I fix some things up. But I just kind of wish that I could have someone who liked me before I did all that…and who'd like me just the same after."

"You don't want someone to fall in love with you right after the surgery because of how you changed. You want them to love you for you no matter what." My eyes widened and I looked right at her. Clare had completely understood. Just like always.

"Exactly," I breathed. "It's just hard to find that, you know?"

Clare nodded a bit, her glance intensifying a bit. "And to have that kind of a relationship, Adam, you need to be friends with her first. I mean, I know I'm not one to speak from experience after my relationship with Jake, but I can tell you that friendship is important. It's better to start a relationship off of that than sexual drive."

I laughed a bit at the statement. "Yeah like sexual drive would be what brings her to me in the first place."

I watched Clare roll her eyes a bit, for some reason amusing me. "You don't know that. Maybe she _really_ wants. you."

"Hilarious." Clare shoved me playfully then kind of fell back into her spot of leaning her back up against the couch. Her movements had caused her to get _that much more_ close to me, my senses starting to go off a bit.

"I'm serious though. Because if she's your friend, that means she's accepted you for who you are. She'll know that your transgender and it won't matter to her. And when you guys feel ready to take the next step then there won't be any hesitation. It'll just come to you because you know it's right and that what you do or don't have doesn't matter." I smiled at Clare's words. She had perfectly described the exact relationship that I wanted. But the only problem was that the only girl I had ever had that sort of carefree friendship with was with her. Which brought me back to my original problem in the first place.

"Well the only girl I've ever had any type of accepting friendship luck with is you. From the start you and Eli have both been so supportive of me. And I can't tell you how grateful I am."

"We're talking in cycles," she noted and I remembered back to the discussion we had earlier that day. "But I'll always be there for you, you know that. I'll never reject you for who you are."

I turned slowly, my body facing her. My face read that I was confused but in my mind I couldn't have been happier. It was like with each sentence she was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. But I still wasn't sure if that was just because she wanted to be my friend…or if she was having the same thoughts as I was. "And…and the girl I'll be with…she'll accept me like you do. She'll want to be with me like you do. She'll do everything you do…you're the only girl who has _ever_ accepted me in the way you do, Clare."

My voice faltered a bit as I spoke, the words starting to go into a direction that I wasn't necessarily ready for. I still wasn't sure if how exactly she felt but I didn't want to find out this way. Yet the urgency in my mind wasn't wanting to dodge this any longer. I had to know. And if that took her knowing how I felt…that was how it had to be. "And when the right one comes she'll do the same," Clare whispered a bit. I noticed that she sounded a bit…afraid?

"But what if she doesn't? What if there is no one else?"

Clare blinked a few times, her eyes piercing mine. "Adam…don't say that." So she thought that I was rejecting myself again? After the conversations we had had? That had to be it. She thought I was being down on myself. Which in a way, yeah, I kind of was. But at the same time I was trying to get a very specific point across.

"But what if the only one is you?" The breath in her throat hitched, I could tell. And I knew that it was either this moment…or forever hold my peace. "You've always been there," I said quieter, and slower. "You've always accepted me. You never once cared that I was trans. You were there for me. You have been the _only _girl to ever fully accept me. And what if no one else comes around because…I don't want them to? No, I didn't want to go on that date. I didn't want to date at all. But you…you make me want to have a chance at something like this."

"_Adam_."

"You don't want it to be you…do you?" Clare sighed and moved her body to face mine once again, our proximities now even closer. A mixture of rejection, guilt and fear crept into my entire being. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest and I regretted ever word I had spoken. I had screwed this up.

"You're my best friend right now." _Just like Katie. _"And I can't afford to lose you."

Her words took me aback for a moment. Not at all what I was expecting her to say at all. And I wasn't quite sure what exactly she meant by them either. If it meant I liked her she couldn't be near me or if…if she thought I'd leave her. Which wouldn't ever be possible for me to do. "I'd never…never leave you like that."

Clare shook her head looking down. "But if anything ever happened between us and then it ended and I lost you…I've already lost so many people and if I lost you I wouldn't know what to do. I'd go insane."

"That isn't going to happen." The words coming out of my mouth were vaguely familiar, knowing that I had said something similar to Fiona. And it made me realize…her and Eli had probably said the same. Her and Jake. And her and Eli were barely on speaking terms anymore. Her and Jake's friendship was a miracle especially due to the fact that they were siblings now. She'd lost so many people because of situations like this ending in the unexpected. She didn't want this to be the same. And neither did I. But there was just something about us that made me think that nothing would. Our friendship was so strong…_too _strong…it couldn't be broken. It just couldn't.

"I'll always be here and I know you will too," I continued. "Just like you always have been and just like I always have been. You accept me, Clare. You _actually_ accept me. And how that goes in terms of relationship I'm not sure. But if you gave me a chance I'd like to try. But if you're uncomfortable then I understand. I completely understand."

"I'm not uncomfortable, Adam, it's not like that. You being transgender has nothing to do with the way I see you or the way I like-" she stopped, taking a breath. _Like…?_ "It's just if something bad happened I wouldn't be able to take it. But just, I need you to know that you being transgender has never made me see you as anything other than a guy. _You're a guy_, Adam. A guy that I am very close to and am afraid to get closer to because I don't know what would happen."

Our of a sudden jolt of confidence, I scooted closer to her, almost able to feel her quick breaths on my skin. A feeling that I was almost craving. "You can't let what you don't know stop you from trying. Trust me, I've learned that the hard way over and over again. And yeah, sometimes taking chances suck but…others are perfect. And it's kind of to that point where you and I deserve that, right?"

Clare smiled a bit, her eyes finally coming up to meet my gaze. She seemed…calmer. Like she was finally able to let her guard down. Just like I had done a few minutes before. "I like you, Adam," she whispered, barely audible. I almost had to convince myself that I had heard it. "A lot."

"I like you too." I matched my tone with hers, continuing to stare down at her eyes. She had that look again. The one that had captivated me in class so many times as she listened to whatever I read to her. The look that she gave when she completely understood and respected me. And that's when I realized, that wasn't just her _look_. That was…adoration…love. And with a sweep of confidence, she shook her head a bit, flipping the cinnamon curls out of her face and began to slowly lean in. I swallowed hard, my breath picking up in pace, not really realizing what was happening. Clare stopped right before her lips touched mine and looked up at me. And as she saw me begin to close mine, she did the same, continuing to close the gap.

And in that moment, as her soft, warm lips touched mine, I completely lost it. The feeling was…indescribable. I mean, I had kissed someone before, Fiona. But it wasn't the same. It wasn't the same chemistry Clare and I had. Fiona and I didn't have the history…or the understanding. But with Clare, we had all of that. And she took it slow, probably partly out of keeping in mind my past relationship and partly because she was just as scared as I was. My hands found their way to her waist as one of hers wrapped around the back of my neck, pulling me in closer. Her scent was intoxicating, the movements of her lips gentle and patient.

And just as quickly as it started, it ended. Clare and I both pulled away simultaneously, just staring at each other in complete shock. But it wasn't the kind of, _what did I just do_, shock but the kind that left you completely breathless and wanting more. The kind that made you cherish that moment in your mind and want to hold on to it forever. The kind of shock that made your heart ache because you know you can't stay in that moment for the rest of your life.

It made me realize why I started doing things that scare me. Like skateboarding, as lame as that sounds. But also like taking chances in moments and people that you normally wouldn't because you're too freaked out of your mind at the answer or outcome. Because I was there that day and I could do anything. And now that I had her by my side, I knew I couldn't fail.

**CHEESY ENDING. But that's okay. And I'm actually shocked it was so long haha! Hope you liked it, let me know! -A.**


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